Wavering Faith: Why does God let His children suffer?

Wavering Faith: Why does God let His children suffer?

I am not as faithful as I should be. I’m not proud that I sometimes lose my faith. I cannot be the only one who ponders the reason for my existence through suffering. Do you sometimes wonder why God allows His children to suffer through sickness, troubles or death?

There has to be a reason behind it. This all cannot be for naught. When I find myself wondering what the purpose of my suffering is, what the purpose of my existence is, I can’t help but think “Why me? Why did I have to bear this burden?” I consult my friends. I talk to my family. I examine my Bible. I research the internet. I consider my past. I never find the answers that I am searching for. When my faith is low, there is no answer good enough for me. There are, however, answers that are good enough for God. If it is good enough for God, my faith tells me that I should push through and trust in Him. I should trust that He does everything for a reason and His reasoning is higher than mine (Isaiah 55: 9).

Job was a man of faith. Job went through more than I could ever imagine. Why should I lose my faith when Job kept his? Job didn’t only have faith in God. God had faith in Job! He knew that Job could handle what Satan threw at him.

Job 2: On another day the angels came to present themselves before the Lord, and Satan also came with them to present himself before him. 2 And the Lord said to Satan, “Where have you come from?” Satan answered the Lord, “From roaming throughout the earth, going back and forth on it.” 3 Then the Lord said to Satan, “Have you considered my servant Job? There is no one on earth like him; he is blameless and upright, a man who fears God and shuns evil. And he still maintains his integrity, though you incited me against him to ruin him without any reason.” 4 “Skin for skin!” Satan replied. “A man will give all he has for his own life. 5 But now stretch out your hand and strike his flesh and bones, and he will surely curse you to your face.” 6 The Lord said to Satan, “Very well, then, he is in your hands; but you must spare his life.” 7 So Satan went out from the presence of the Lord and afflicted Job with painful sores from the soles of his feet to the crown of his head. 8 Then Job took a piece of broken pottery and scraped himself with it as he sat among the ashes. 9 His wife said to him, “Are you still maintaining your integrity? Curse God and die!” 10 He replied, “You are talking like a foolish woman. Shall we accept good from God, and not trouble?” In all this, Job did not sin in what he said. 11 When Job’s three friends, Eliphaz the Temanite, Bildad the Shuhite and Zophar the Naamathite, heard about all the troubles that had come upon him, they set out from their homes and met together by agreement to go and sympathize with him and comfort him.12 When they saw him from a distance, they could hardly recognize him; they began to weep aloud, and they tore their robes and sprinkled dust on their heads. 13 Then they sat on the ground with him for seven days and seven nights. No one said a word to him,because they saw how great his suffering was.

When I ask what the reason for my suffering is, Job is my answer. If there is an answer better than that, I haven’t found it. Satan is trying to break my faith. He sees my faith wavering, and he swoops in and he tries to take it completely away.

Strong faith makes you privy to persecution. Satan uses persecution to break you of your faith. You can count on people and circumstances trying to bring you down when you’re feeling good. God made you so that you can face what Satam brings to you.

2 Timothy 10 You, however, know all about my teaching, my way of life, my purpose, faith, patience, love, endurance, 11 persecutions, sufferings—what kinds of things happened to me in Antioch, Iconium and Lystra, the persecutions I endured. Yet the Lord rescued me from all of them. 12 In fact, everyone who wants to live a godly life in Christ Jesus will be persecuted, 13 while evildoers and impostors will go from bad to worse, deceiving and being deceived. 14 But as for you, continue in what you have learned and have become convinced of, because you know those from whom you learned it, 15 and how from infancy you have known the Holy Scriptures, which are able to make you wise for salvation through faith in Christ Jesus. 16 All Scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness, 17 so that the servant of God may be thoroughly equipped for every good work.

If we can only get through this, we will come out the other side stronger than ever. God will help us through this and we can help others through my suffering. We CAN persevere. We can endure the tasks that have been put on us: living through misfortune and adversity.

Romans 5: 3 Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; 4 perseverance, character; and character, hope. 5 And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.

We have to find the good in the bad. Khalil Gibran said that “Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls; the most massive characters are seared with scars.” We need to believe that is true. God is making us the people who He wants us to be. We cannot be who we are meant to be without going through what we were meant to go through.

I refuse to believe that we have to go through pain and suffering because God is “punishing” us or because God thinks that we should have to pay that price to enter His kingdom. He paid that price for us. I truly believe that suffering is Satan’s way of trying to pull us away from God. I can only pray that my faith, as human as I am, can endure the tests that Satan gives me. Brennan Manning said that “Suffering, failure, loneliness, sorrow, discouragement, and death will be part of your journey, but the Kingdom of God will conquer all these horrors. No evil can resist grace forever.”

So I will keep pushing. I will keep believing. The power of prayer is a powerful thing and I truly believe that Satan will give up on me before God does. And I will not give up on my God.

Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet. Only through experience of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, ambition inspired, and success achieved. - Helen Keller

The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of those depths. - Elisabeth Kubler-Ross

November 28, 2014 - Journal Post #2

November 28, 2014

Today is miserable.

I am in so much pain that the thought of having to get up to get my meds and something to drink so that I can take them makes me cringe. Moving hurts like hell. Breathing hurts like hell.

I haven’t got to take any meds today because we spent the night at my sister-in-law’s house last night & I had to drive myself & the children home. I know that it is only Tramadol and I can drive while on them if I have to. I just don’t want to unless I absolutely have to. I was hurting this morning before we left Beth’s house, but I wasn’t hurting THIS bad.

The kids and I stopped and ate at Arby’s on the way home. I ate a few bites and then the pain hit like a freight train. I had told the kids that if they were good and ate all of their food, I would take them to Walmart & we would check out the Black Friday sales. They were good. They ate well. I had to break my word. We left Arby’s and I broke the news to them that I was hurting too bad to stop at Walmart and that I was so sorry, but that I would try to make it up to them, if I could.

They were mad. I felt horrible. I tried to explain to them how much I was hurting, but they just didn’t understand. Sometimes, I can ignore the pain, if it is a level 7 or below. Level 9 pain though, I can’t ignore that. That is the pain that completely debilitates me. Hell, I was afraid that I wasn’t going to be able to drive the rest of the way home. I almost pulled over and called someone… But I made it. We made it home. Now Kesley is mad at me because I told her that she will have to wait until I feel a little better before I can get up and get her coffee (she just HAS to have coffee everyday).

Nathan (the hubz) is gone out of town with his brother for a couple of days. He went to south GA to hunt. If I had known how crappy I was going to feel today, I would’ve begged him not to leave. But I didn’t know. I had no idea.

That’s the trouble with this kind of pain. It blindsides you. It sneaks up on you. You think you’re going to make it and then all of a sudden, BAM! It knocks you on your ass.

So please keep me in your prayers. Please keep my children in your prayers. I hope that God helps them to understand why mom can’t do as much as she wishes that she could. Maybe this level 9 pain won’t last long. Maybe it will go away after a few minutes (I can only try to stay hopeful). Maybe, at least, someone will get home soon.

Journal Entry #1 - November 26, 2014

November 26, 2014

I’m only journaling because my therapist believes that it will help me feel some emotion.

Emotions scare me.

If I FEEL, I may not be able to stop. How am I going to live if I can’t stop feeling terrible (not only physically, but mentally). I’ve been to that place before. It wasn’t pretty. I lost almost everything.

I’ve accepted the fact that I am never going to be who I wanted to be. It sucks.

But what am I going to do? Cry all the time? NO. I am not going to be that girl. I can’t be. I have to worry about my children. I don’t want them to see me as weak. I want them to see that even with the pain that I deal with everyday, I still function. I function shitty, but I function. I get up, I go to work, I deal. It may not be the best dealing in the world, but it is dealing, nonetheless.

I want more. I want to be the wonderful wife and mother I have always wanted to be. But if I let myself get upset because I can’t be those things, where does it stop?

How far will it go? Will I end up in the nuthouse? Because I feel like I could go there and never come out. They wouldn’t let me out if they knew all of the thoughts that go through my head. I don’t have time for the nuthouse.

I don’t have time for emotions because they will not go away if I let them come.

Sometimes, like right now, I want to kick myself for not letting them dope me up.

Some mornings, like this morning, I want to kick myself for not just giving up and getting disability. Getting up and going to work is hard for a normal person (let alone a person in constant pain).

“One day, this pain is all going to go away.” Its a thought that I wish would make sense to me. I wish it was applicable in my case. But it isn’t. This nightmare will never end for me and I can’t image that I will ever get used to it. Its not something that someone CAN get used to.

My real hopes for my life are:

• That I learn to cope with the pain more and more everyday.
• That my family will realize that this is not some made up condition and that I am NOT a hypochondriac like my great-great-grandmother was.
• That my children will see me as a strong woman and not the weak, frustrated, girl I see in the mirror.
• That my husband will stick around in a sex-starved, miserable marriage with a woman who really does love him more than life, yet still, somehow, be as happy as I want him to be.
• That I will continue to force myself to get up and go to work at a job that I absolutely adore. That I will remain the best at what I do and only get better.
• That my friends will still be my friends through the missed calls, ignored text messages, skipped birthday parties and cancelled meetings.

Those hopes, though ridiculous and very unlikely, are what keeps me holding on. They’re why I force myself to get up, get ready and go to work everyday. They’re why I refuse the hard pain meds. They’re why I try my hardest to be there for my friends and family when I get the rare moments of a level 6 pain. They’re why I keep myself from feeling the emotions that scare me (the emotions that would put me in the nuthouse).

One day, this is all going to make sense. I have to start telling myself that I am a warrior and even though I feel defeated, I am still fighting. I can do this. I AM doing this.

Prayers Please!

I asked for prayers at church today. I'm not usually one to go to the front of the congregation like that but I am feeling a little desperate. I am having a presacral neurectomy in two days and if it doesn't work, my doctor will refer me to pain management. I refuse to take pain medication every day for the rest of my life. I would rather deal with the pain.
I am telling myself that this surgery IS going to work. I am going to wake up after my surgery and think that I have died and gone to Heaven. It is so exciting to think about a life with no pain (or even just a normal amount of pain). I can't remember what it was like before chronic pelvic pain. I understand that even if this surgery does work, I will still have vulvodynia, but I truly believe that I can handle that. It is the pelvic pain that makes me feel like I am crazy....crazy AND lazy. I am SO tired of having to lay around all of the time because I am in pain. I know that my family has to be tired of it.
I am SO lucky to have such an amazing and understanding family. We had to move in with my mom, grandparents, brother and great-grandmother because my health got so bad. I know that it isn't the "normal" or "ideal" living situation, and sometimes we drive each other crazy, but honestly, I am so glad that we are here. We have no plans to move out. This is our home and we will live here as long as the Lord allows. Even if my health gets better, we will stay. I feel like this is where we are supposed to be.
I know that I said that I am telling myself that this surgery is going to work. But if it doesn't work...I am terrified that I am going to break in two. If you pray, please pray for me. If you don't pray, please send me some positive vibes, or thoughts or whatever. I need all of the help that I can get. This HAS to work. This HAS to take away my pain. Right? Yes, right.
I know that this is my first post in a while.. I really have no excuses. My brother was here for a little over a week, so I haven't really been on the computer much, but that was only for a week. I promise that I will try to get better at posting. I will try to post about more topics that others can relate to and would enjoy to read. Starting out, I will sort of use this like a journal that I can just jot down my feelings and thoughts for others to read and attempt to understand. If you think of any topics that you want to hear my thoughts on, or have any questions for me, please let me know and I will try to post about it.
xoxo - Julie

My Beliefs.

My faith plays a huge part in my life. I am a very passionate woman. I am passionate about Jesus Christ. I am passionate about human rights. I am passionate about sexual health. I am passionate about children. I am passionate about my family. I am passionate about my job.

I truly believe that God has blessed me beyond all compare. He gave me the best family, husband and children that anyone could ever ask for. My husband and my children are all healthy. I would gladly live in a box if it meant that my husband and children could be healthy. The rest of my family is relatively healthy. We don't starve. There are several people who would make sure that we have food and a roof over our head. My husband and I have great jobs and work with wonderful people. My children go to one of the top schools in Georgia. I still have not only all but one of my grandparents, but I also have a great-grandmother who is still around.

I am glad that I have this pain. I would rather have all of the things/people I mentioned above and have this pain for the rest of my life than to lose any of the above. I would rather be the one who has to deal with this than my family have to deal with one ounce of the physical and emotional pain that I have.

I know that God has given me this blessing for a reason beyond my understanding, but I finally feel like He has given me a hint as to what he has in store for me. I have prayed about it, thought about it, talked about it, and I realized that He wants me to help others through what I have been through for the past seven  years. I have always liked to research pelvic conditions. I have several that cause my chronic pelvic pain, but I have also researched other diseases just so that I am aware for others who I come in contact with.

When reading my blog, I will be posting several things about my faith in God. However, one of the things that I mentioned above is that I am passionate about human rights. I say that I am mostly liberal, but I do have some conservatives values (after all, I was raised conservative). I believe that every person on earth should have the right to love who they want to love and have the same rights as any other couple, but I also believe that it should be called a "civil union" instead of "marriage". After all, marriage is a christian concept. I believe in the right to bear arms, but I also believe that huge clips for civilians is a little much. I believe that a woman should have the RIGHT to have an abortion, but I would never have one myself. There are millions of children in the world who are either in foster care, or are severely abused or neglected. I believe that the war on drugs is ridiculous. There are so many people taking up space in prison because they decided that they didn't care about their bodies. Unless it was a violent or civil crime against someone else, drug addicts should be given the option to go to rehabilitation. I believe that if it is a small amount of drugs and they're not addicted, we should leave them alone. I think that marijuana is medicine. It is herbal and good for you. There have been no documented deaths because of marijuana. It is much safer than alcohol or even processed foods. I honestly believe that if marijuana were legal, there would be less people addicted to pills (again, bad for you). It would be a good medicine for people with chronic pelvic pain (or any type of chronic pain).

You may wonder why the heck I am telling you all of this. I want you to know more about me. I am hoping that we will become great friends through this blog. My email address and my phone number is on my profile. While these are the things that I believe in, my family, my husband and my friends are pretty conservative. I think that diet has a lot to do with the reason some of us are in so much pain. I think that we need to completely cut processed foods out of our diets (though it is very hard to do for my family right now because our budget doesn't allow for it.One day, hopefully soon, we can re-do our budget to allow for a better diet.

Another thing that I am passionate about is sex. It is nearly impossible for someone with all of the diseases that I have, it is nearly impossible to have sex with my husband. It drives me crazy when people who CAN have sex, don't. I just can't see why they wouldn't (if they're married). I would give almost anything if I could be intimate with my husband that way. I believe in helping women learn more about their sexual health.

I shared this picture with you because I truly believe that God has given me the strength to endure the pain this far, I have benefited from it tremendously, and I have become more devoted to God in the process. Please remember to share my blog! I know that there isn't much on here yet, but I have just started. I have so many plans for this blog already. I pray that God gives me the patience and wisdom to sit down and type what I need to type to help others like I want to. If you have any questions of me or think of any topics that you would like for me to write about, please feel free to ask any time.

A New Journey

I am writing this blog at five minutes until midnight (and I have to wake up at 5:30 am). No, I'm not crazy, I am just in pain. I am learning to control my pain, but it is worse at night when I've been up and about all day. This morning, I had a doctor's appointment at 8:00 a.m. to get an instillation (medication in my bladder) and talk to him about a presacral neurectomy (surgery to remove the nerves that send the pain signals from my central pelvic area to the brain). We are hoping that this surgery will help relieve some of my pain. Usually the appointments only last for about thirty minutes, so I assumed that I would make it to my physical therapy appointment at 9:00 a.m. just fine. Well, you know what they say about assuming... My doctor (Dr. Robert S. Furr, who I absolutely adore by the way) was so busy that it was almost 10:00 before I left his office. Thankfully, my physical therapist (Kaitlen, again, adored by me) fit me into her schedule at 2 o'clock this afternoon. She said that since I was post op from a perenial repair, I needed to be seen and couldn't afford to miss an appointment at this point in my therapy.
I have Chronic Pelvic Pain. My conditions are Interstitial Cystitis, Vulvodynia, Irritable Bowel Syndrome with Chronic Constipation, Pelvic Floor Dysfunction, and I had Endometriosis until I had a partial hysterectomy in July of 2013. There is no way to describe the pain that I feel on a daily basis. I have to limit my physical activity (even the way I sit). If I have a day when I need to get things done, I have to make sure that I can rest (lie down) for at least 8+ hours. It has taken a lot of research, doctor's visits, medical tests, and procedures to finally understand how I need to cope with this pain.
Kaitlen (my physical therapist) and I were talking today about starting a support group for people with Chronic Pelvic Pain in the Chattanooga (TN) area. She told me that she would be willing to help me with it. I am so excited that I am about to burst. We are hoping that we can get a room at the hospital that she works at for the support group to meet in. I have been doing research (you will quickly learn that I do a LOT of research) about starting support groups and I decided that I would also start a blog about my journey. It has been one LONG, painful journey. I have always known that God is using me through this madness and I feel like I have finally figured out a clue as to what he is using me for. I pray that he will lead me to help others who are facing the same type of issues as I am. I know that there are people out there who are going through something much harder than I am going through, but this seems like hell most days.
I am excited for this blog to grow and I hope to be a shoulder for others to lean on when they feel like the pain or the psychological effects are too much to bear. Since I will only get five hours of sleep if I fall asleep right now, I will make this first post a short one. Please feel free to email me at JulieHawkins581@gmail.com
Goodnight!
Jewls