I asked for prayers at church today. I'm not usually one to go to the front of the congregation like that but I am feeling a little desperate. I am having a presacral neurectomy in two days and if it doesn't work, my doctor will refer me to pain management. I refuse to take pain medication every day for the rest of my life. I would rather deal with the pain.
I am telling myself that this surgery IS going to work. I am going to wake up after my surgery and think that I have died and gone to Heaven. It is so exciting to think about a life with no pain (or even just a normal amount of pain). I can't remember what it was like before chronic pelvic pain. I understand that even if this surgery does work, I will still have vulvodynia, but I truly believe that I can handle that. It is the pelvic pain that makes me feel like I am crazy....crazy AND lazy. I am SO tired of having to lay around all of the time because I am in pain. I know that my family has to be tired of it.
I am SO lucky to have such an amazing and understanding family. We had to move in with my mom, grandparents, brother and great-grandmother because my health got so bad. I know that it isn't the "normal" or "ideal" living situation, and sometimes we drive each other crazy, but honestly, I am so glad that we are here. We have no plans to move out. This is our home and we will live here as long as the Lord allows. Even if my health gets better, we will stay. I feel like this is where we are supposed to be.
I know that I said that I am telling myself that this surgery is going to work. But if it doesn't work...I am terrified that I am going to break in two. If you pray, please pray for me. If you don't pray, please send me some positive vibes, or thoughts or whatever. I need all of the help that I can get. This HAS to work. This HAS to take away my pain. Right? Yes, right.
I know that this is my first post in a while.. I really have no excuses. My brother was here for a little over a week, so I haven't really been on the computer much, but that was only for a week. I promise that I will try to get better at posting. I will try to post about more topics that others can relate to and would enjoy to read. Starting out, I will sort of use this like a journal that I can just jot down my feelings and thoughts for others to read and attempt to understand. If you think of any topics that you want to hear my thoughts on, or have any questions for me, please let me know and I will try to post about it.
xoxo - Julie
